The Manifesto: My Mid-Life Crisis Apologetic
TLDR: Being a lawyer sucks all that is good and holy out of my soul, burns it, and pisses on the ashes. I’m tired of faking my way through life in order to meet the expectations I perceive as being placed on me. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I want to be a swineherd (aka a pig farmer). Yes, I am crazy.[1] Please pray for Jennie.
This year I will turn 40 years old. As such, most will see my planned changes for 2020 as simply a mid-life crisis. On the other hand, I see these changes as the next step in my life journey and walk with God. Regardless, I felt that setting forth an apologetic[2] of my thoughts and plans was necessary so that family members may properly mock me and provide the necessary mental support to Jennie.
Background
Like many young boys, I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. In high school that morphed into wanting to be a rancher or farmer. After receiving my driver’s license, I remember often driving around the farmlands of the Willamette Valley and dreaming of living in the country and owning a vineyard, farm, or ranch. My dreams were epitomized by Tim McGraw’s lyrics: “I’m gonna live where the green grass grows, watch my corn pop up in rows, every night be tucked in close to you, raise our kids where the good Lord’s blessed . . .”[3]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hR5iZEXwuI
In 1998 I headed to college to ensure my future success and fulfill the American dream. In the words of the Apostle Paul,
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”
1 Corinthians 13:11.[4]
However, I went to college not knowing what I wanted to do with my life.
After middling through college and my first job after graduation, I participated in AIMS[5] testing to gain career guidance. Truthfully, going into the testing I was hoping they would tell me I should be a truck driver. Instead, I’m convinced I was part of an episode of Candid Camera. Upon completion of the testing I was informed that I should be a lawyer, and not just any type of lawyer, but specifically a transportation lawyer. Thus started my journey of following in my father’s footsteps to become a transportation lawyer.
Honestly, unlike most people, I enjoyed law school. I also enjoyed practicing law with my father. It was awesome working with my father in a business that he built and seeing the true respect that clients and other attorneys have for him.
However, being a lawyer crushes my soul for two primary reasons[6]:
- I despise sitting in an office all day staring at a computer screen, and
- Practicing law is the antithesis to my Christian Anarcho-Capitalist philosophy and theology.[7]
Exiting the Practice of Law
Later this year, my law firm’s lease expires. This timing provides a serendipitous opportunity for me to exit the practice of law.
As stated, I turn 40 years old this year. To sign another office lease would tie me to practicing law for at least five more years. At age 45, with the twins being 15, making a significant life change away from the practice of law would be even more difficult than it is going to be today. It would take 15 more years of practicing law in order to get the kids launched and out of the house. At age 55, let’s be honest, no significant life changes will be made. The majority of my life will be past, and I will be relegated to practicing law until retirement. Say goodbye to my soul and any remaining sanity I might have.
Defining Success
I’ve never been truly motivated by money. This is not to say that I don’t like money or that I don’t want (a lot of) money; it’s just that I have never been motivated to do something simply because there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow someone is trying to sell me. I would much rather do what I want and if a lot of money follows, great; if not . . . do I at least have enough money to feed and shelter myself and my family?
Air, water, food and shelter are necessities for life, and I must provide those to my family. As the Apostle Paul stated,
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
1 Timothy 5:8.
But it is error to extrapolate the provision for family Paul speaks about to “The American Dream.” I don’t believe success is defined by a large meticulously maintained home, having fat stacks in my bank account, being able to retire early, or sending my kids to elite schools.
Rather, after providing for the necessities of life, I define success as follows:
- I am continuously conscious of my walk with God, knowing Him better, and becoming more like Jesus.
“By this we may know that we are in Him: whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked.”
1 John 2:5b-6.
- I am loving my wife; providing physically, emotionally, and spiritually for her; aiding in her walk with God; and enjoying her companionship. We are not two ships passing in the night.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy . . . In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
Ephesians 5:25-28.[8]
- I have reflected, or at least provided a glimpse, of God the Father’s love of us to my children, and they love and believe in Jesus.
“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.”
Psalm 103:13.
“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”
3 John 1:4.
Success as a Lawyer?
You’re now likely thinking: “Cool story bro . . . but, why can’t you be a ‘success’ while being a lawyer?”
Let me explain.
As set forth in the Westminster Catechism, the chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. It goes on to state that the Scriptures are the word of God and the only rule of faith and obedience.
So how do we glorify God? Well, we look to the Scriptures for answers; and logically, a good place to start is to look at what God commands us to do.
When Jesus is asked what the greatest commandment is, He responds,
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.”
Matthew 22:37.
This was a direct reference to the first part of The Shema contained in Deuteronomy 6:4-9. The Message translates[9] the remaining verses of The Shema as follow:
Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9.
That stops me in my tracks, blows my mind, and is extremely convicting. I simply cannot go to work practicing law and talk about God and the Scriptures from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. The best I’ve been able to manage is to periodically (maybe a couple days a month) remember to let my requests be made known to God in prayer so I’m less anxious. Phillippians 4:6. But the constant contemplation of God and His word are not something that I can accomplish practicing law.[10]
Contrast my best day practicing law with any day working in the yard, hiking, hunting, fishing, or tending to our growing herd of animals / kids. While practicing law, if I’m lucky, I may periodically remember to pray a couple times a day. When outside in God’s creation, I am almost always in state of constant contemplation or prayer. Being in God’s creation simply allows me to connect with Him.
My connection to God through His creation is not pantheistic heathenism. As Romans 1:20 states,
“For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.”
Based on my previously set forth definition of success, I doubt I could be a success while practicing law, but as a farmer, rancher, tree trimmer, pig sh*t shoveler . . . I’m at least giving myself a chance at success.
Yes, I Want to be a Pig Farmer
As a child dreaming of ranching and farming, being a pig farmer never crossed my mind. My picture of a pig farmer was someone standing in pig sh*t a foot deep trying to breathe because it smells so bad. While that is where 99% of pork comes from, it’s not what I have in mind.
My idea of being a farmer is encapsulated in Joel Salatin’s “The Marvelous Pigness of Pigs: Respecting and Caring for All God’s Creation.”[11] Salatin explores how a Christian worldview must wrestle with the dominion God has given us over the Earth. Unfortunately, many Christians believe that if we can do something with God’s creation, then we should do it, because God gave us dominion over the Earth and it’s all going to burn up anyway to make way for the new Heaven and new Earth. This, however, is the worldview that leads to pig farmers dying in pig sh*t.[12]
Of course, a better translation of “dominion” is that God intends us to be stewards of the Earth. In this context, farmers should be looking to understand God’s creation in an attempt to restore the Earth to a more Edenic state.[13]
Ever wonder why God gave so many commands and instructions regarding agriculture?[14]
A farm should provide a glimpse of an Edenic oasis on Earth. Where the land thrives because man’s imagination and ingenuity have been used to see how God intended creation to be and use that knowledge to fight against the ramifications of the fall. Where symbiotic relationships between the land, plants, and animals increase productivity rather than relying on monoculture. Where biomass is used instead of chemical fertilizers. Where God’s creation is respected instead of being viewed as needing fixing through sterilization or genetically modified organisms.
And no, this isn’t a pipe dream. This is how farms were prior to the industrial revolution and factory farms emerged after World War II. It’s being accomplished by many local farmers across the country today.
But . . . why pigs you ask?
In the words of Winston Churchill, “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
And to bastardize Benjamin Franklin[15] and Acts 10:9-23, I say: “Bacon is proof that Jesus loves us and wants us to be happy.”
I could go on about the Bible’s plethora of references to shepherds and the similarities to swineherding, regurgitate my pig farm business plan, share my spreadsheets on pig farm profit and loss,[16] or explain how our current house rental allows starting a pig farm with minimal cost, but I’ll close this defense of my desire to be a pig farmer as follows:
The first night I had Bacon and Pork Chop, they broke out of their electric fence paddock. Upon returning home with the kids they were standing in the middle of the driveway in the dark. We proceeded to wrangle them and put them in the chicken coop. I thought it was fun.[17]
Two days later, once I reinforced their paddock, I was moving Bacon from the coop back to the paddock. She promptly sh*t diarrhea in my face. While trying not to puke, I was laughing on the inside because the experience made me realize that yes, I really do want to be a pig farmer.[18]
Conclusion
If this truly is the middle of my life, I can look back at what I have been blessed with in the first half of my life. I was raised by great parents that trained me in the way I should go and that has led me to walk with the Lord as I get older. I have a beautiful God fearing Proverbs 31 wife that is extremely tolerant of my crazy ideas. I have amazing children that have taught me more about God and His relationship to man than I could have ever learned studying the Scriptures alone. And let’s not forget, in the words of TMZ:
Unfortunately, I don’t enjoy being a lawyer and it eats at my soul.
Looking forward to the next half of my life, I want to spend as much time with my wife and children as I can. I want to learn more about God, His creation, and His intentions for us. I want to have life and have it abundantly.
Yes, I want to be a pig farmer.
Yes, I am crazy.
Please pray for Jennie.
But ask the animals what they think—let them teach you;
let the birds tell you what’s going on.
Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics.
Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories.
Isn’t it clear that they all know and agree
that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand—
Every living soul, yes,
every breathing creature?
Isn’t this all just common sense,
as common as the sense of taste?
Do you think the elderly have a corner on wisdom,
that you have to grow old before you understand life?Job 12:7-12 MSG
Footnotes
[1] I am finally breaking free of the social conditioning that has led me to project conformity in my life. I’m ready to be me. See The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, by Mark Manson, https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713
[2] Not an apology, an apologetic; defined as “offered in defense or vindication.”
[3] Tim McGraw, Where the Green Grass Grows, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hR5iZEXwuI
[4] Yes, I realize this is theologically out of context; but I don’t care, it works to make my point.
[5] Aptitude Inventory Measurement Service, https://www.aimstesting.org/
[6] I do not regret my choices of college, law school, or coming back to Oregon to practice law with my father. Rather, I am thankful to God for leading me on a journey that brought me closer to both my heavenly father and earthly father.
[7] This apologetic is not meant to set forth or defend my philosophy of life and theology. Most of you, however, already have at least a vague idea of where I’m coming from with this statement.
[8] Aside – Everyone always gets stuck on verse 22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Seriously, if given a choice, I’ll choose submission to Jennie as opposed to being commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church and to give myself up like Jesus gave himself up to death on the cross.
[9] Granted, The Message is not a formal “translation” of the Scriptures, but sometimes Eugene Peterson does a great job of hammering a point home in colloquial English.
[10] This is not to say no one can fulfil The Shema while practicing law or any other profession or job. I’m simply stating my situation. I do not extrapolate this conclusion to any person other than me.
[11] I highly recommend this book. Not only will it give you a better understanding of where I’m coming from, but it also makes you examine how you interact with our food production system. And no, it’s not just about pigs, but agriculture in general. At a minimum I would suggest stopping by a bookstore and reading the first few pages of Chapter 11. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1455536989/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i6
[13] No we will not succeed in restoring Eden on Earth. Things will not be set right until the second coming of Christ. However, as Jesus taught us to pray “Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Matthew 6:10.
[14] If you’re not sure where they are in the Bible, it’s because most are in the books of the Bible you stop your Bible in a Year reading program at each year or simply skip over.
[15] There is no proof that Franklin ever actually said “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy,” but it’s a great quote nonetheless.
[16] Ask Jennie about my pig spreadsheets. . . she “loves” them!
[17] Jennie was not impressed when she learned of the episode. She said I was not off to a good start.
[18] I told you I was crazy.